Time to Wake Up

I’ve definitely had some kind of spiritual awakening within the last year.  I wish I could quantify it with data and give you a chart showing a correlation between love and overall happiness but, there’s no magic equation or a way to create this happiness in a laboratory.  Overall, awakening has come in spurts, over time, with a lot of work and practice and is this really amazing general feeling of being in control and being happy and clarity.   If I could graph it it would be something like this…

I spent a lot of my life in a trance.  I always felt there was a void, that no matter what I did or had, I always wanted  more.  An insatiable thirst and hunger that could not be quenched.  Sound dramatic, well honestly it was.  There was a lot of drama that was tied to all of that.  Toxic relationships, bingeing and purging, anxiety and depression; just one big pendulum swinging back and forth, over and over and over.  There was nothing that could fill the emptiness that I was holding inside…other than fear.   I was so afraid to be alone and felt so unworthy of love that I put myself into and stayed in really unhealthy situations for long times.  They all taught me so much in hindsight but in the moment, there was a lot of pain and disconnection.

What’s love got to do with it?  Well Tina, glad you asked.  Everything.  I’d experienced all kinds of love but just being honest, I’d never loved myself for just me.  I really had no idea how to love, what it looked like to me and how take of myself unless it was in some type of self-sacrificing way.

Through a lot of practice and prayer, I’m loving myself as the perfectly imperfect being I am.   I’ve forgave myself for any mistakes from the past, started to focus on the present and stopped making life decisions out fear.   It’s been great to learn, explore and live in ways I never have before and to live with an open heart.  The old saying is true, ‘you cannot give away what you do not have’.

I know so many people who get into relationships out of fear.  So many people who settle, who talk themselves into and out of situations and who are out of touch with their spirit, their essence.  It’s a lot easier for me to spot toxic situations these days; and harder to withhold judgment and give compassion.

The spiritual awakening that happened in me is the result of self-love and the love and support of others.  It’s the result of taking control of my life and not looking for others to solve my problems.  It’s being ok saying yes and no only when I mean it and accepting that I am a child of something way bigger than myself.  For me it was slowing down, meditating, being in community and believing with my whole heart that no matter what, fear is not going to ever fill my heart again.  I am awake.

((hugs))

People are Just Waiting to Be Invited to Your Party

Hey everyone, I hope you’re still Living As If out there.  I’m back from my self-imposed time out and it’s been a super fun time of living life to the fullest.  I want to take this post to challenge you to Celebrate Yourself and tell you how I recently chose to do exactly that!  If no one is there to throw a party for you, throw one for yourself.

So, I’m getting back into dating and while I experienced a very self-affirming confidence building stint at dating during my pre-gaming; I was still kind of dreading the challenge of dating as a single parent.  Dating has been one of those things in my life that has brought me a ton of fear and trepidation.  I decided that this time, I was ready to get down to it organically and without a plan.  I also decided that to do that, I needed to a little fill me up of love and confidence from those who love me.  So, I did what any normal girl does…I threw myself a cotillon.  That’s right, I’m 35 and I threw myself a cotillon and it was AWESOME.

Surprisingly, Party City had no section for this type of event.  The best part was that I didn’t care about fitting into a mold to make this thing fun and exciting I knew that the friends I love and who get me would support what ever crazy train was riding into town.  I got a lot of questions about what to wear…whatever makes you feel sassy and fabulous, ball gown, fancy dress, jeans whatever, and of course I wore a tiara.  I also asked people to bring canned goods as admission, because I’m a humanitarian and I had a piñata with chocolates and plastic liquor bottles because I’m a creative genius.  The activities included being a wee bit late to my own party, Amanda trivia and a formal presentation with a curtsey with me in my wedding dress.  All of this followed up with bar hopping and a finale at my favorite karaoke bar.  Every single thing about this party was me through and through.  Every single person had a blast and the love I felt that night, was amazing and pure. It truly filled me up and my cup runneth over.

Don’t wait for people to tell you they love you, be the change you want to see in the world and follow your heart.  Reach out and throw your own party.  I bet for every one person who actually does this, there are 100 people who are too embarrassed, fearful or nervous to just make it happen.

So, what dreams are in your heart that you’ve been holding back?  What are you going to celebrate about yourself that makes you special?  When are you going to throw a party for yourself in complete celebration of YOU?  Everyone’s just waiting to be invited to your party:)

((hugs))